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Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My Guy
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*