[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Support your local cemetery
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”