Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’