Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account