I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.