“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.