Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Lmao
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
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Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot