me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
haha same
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?