when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped