The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.