My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
bugs when you lift up a rock
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?