“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
2023 was just a warmup
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?