my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
White Castle for the Win
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.