It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Thursday Thought.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none