Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.