me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m confused about plants
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”