There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Fidel Castro was alive?