Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[eulogy]
line?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.