My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
You Might Also Like
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
as is their right
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My whole life was a lie.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
become ungovernable
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.