It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.