Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Heroic Misunderstanding
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine