[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible