Mad Max Arctic Road
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
ugh not again
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
President The Rock Obama
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”