Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.