Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
No. He’s not coming out to play
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.