According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
You Might Also Like
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.