Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…