Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.