I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
This hospital has everything
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Bobby pin
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?