*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this