My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.