*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
You Might Also Like
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
what are they serving at kfc then???
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no