‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Message from the dog groomers
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry