When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Thursday
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips