Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
They did not miss in the small print
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.