I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
#JohnTravolta
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
no cat here
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers