*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
This why you should mind your business
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.