Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
what my late-night hot pocket sees
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Morning.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.