skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Good news
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
excuse me
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes