That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer