When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You Might Also Like
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
San Francisco has too many rules
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.