Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Good morning!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
❤️🦆
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Who called it baking and not making love
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Broom by every window for quick escape.