Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
bad news gang
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??