A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.