Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.