“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied