Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Solving a traffic jam
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.