Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You Might Also Like
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!