Dietest Coke
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
went fishing caught a bass
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.