Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.